So, as a 27 year old, I’ve probably spent at least 15% of the last 14 years of my life hungover. And each hangover seems to be getting progressively worse, so that’s nice. Gin…why do you hate me so?!
I’ve now just began to accept the magical 11 stages of a hangover, which I’ve listed below…….
You unpeel your sticky, groggy little eye lids one at a time and slowly…very slowly… try to take in your surroundings.
Where am I? What day is it? Why am I still in last nights clothes, wearing cat ears and covered in glitter?
Why does my mouth feel drier than a really really dry thing??
So many questions. You know the answer must be hidden inside you, if you just search hard enough. It’s just within your grasp but alas! every time you feel it’s on your fingertips, it vanishes, just beyond reach.
I’m hungover. Again.
It’s ok, I’m just a bit dehydrated. I’ll go and down a pint of water, sleep it off and it will be fine.
You fall back asleep for an hour, wake up and miraculously, you feel ok.
Ha! No hangover for me!
You scroll mindlessly through Facebook and Instagram for half an hour and drop a message in your group whatsapp chat.
Hi hons. What a funny funny night. I don’t know how, but I’m fresh as a daisy! No hangover for me *sassy emoji x 10*
You fall back asleep with a smug half smile on your face, you sassy little hangover avoider you!
Not even 3 tequila shots can get me. Watch and learn amateurs.
You wake back up an hour later and you feel AWFUL! Like…horrendous.
You realise you were in fact still drunk when you first work up😷
You spend the next half hour googling “can you die of a hangover”.
6. Self loathing
Flash backs. Cringe conversations. 10,000 card receipts in your bag. Awful dancing. Talking about your ex boyfriend for 45 minutes straight to anyone who would listen. Requesting Club Tropicana 5 times. Crying when they wouldn’t play it.
Those. Text. Messages.
As Celine Dion said, it’s all coming back to me now.
I HATE MYSELF, MAKE IT STOP!
This is ok. I’ll get up and have a shower and go for a walk. This can’t last all day. I’m over the worst of it surely. All I need is some coffee , a shower and a positive mental attitude. It’s going to be fine.
After sitting and crying on the shower floor for 20 minutes, you crawl out and admit defeat. You are in it for the long haul, so you’d better just strap on in.
9. Hangover limbo
You’re too weak and lacking in energy to do absolutely anything but you are also THE most bored you’ve ever been. In your life. And you once sat through the whole of Seabiscuit.
You count down the hours until you can legitimately order a Dominos because it surely cannot only by 10am?!
I promise I’ll never drink again. Ever!
After a day of slothing around and feeling like a zombie, you finally feel ok. Thank God.
Shame it’s 11:30pm and you have work in the morning.