If you’re a twenty-something like me (ok…ok….late twenty something), you will have found that your summers have started to become absolutely jam packed with weddings.
You may have had the odd one or two in your early/mid twenties, and then all of a sudden, the flood gates are open and you don’t have a free weekend until 2072 because… weddings.
And with weddings, come the Hen Parties.
Oh Hen Parties….you classy affair!
As my mother likes to remind me prior to every Hen Party I have ever attended, a Hen Party used to be a single night out in your local town, having a cheeky few halves with your nearest and dearest. Now, Hens are A Big Thing.
I mean,people are now having multiple hens each.
An abroad hen
A home hen
A family hen
A works hen
A friends from primary school hen
A people who I bump in to shopping in Asda on a Thursday hen.
However, whether the Hen Parties you have attended involved a night in the local drinking hole or a 2 week extravaganza in Marbs, they are always carnage/an absolute scream and tend to be made up of the following 10 components…..am I right ? Or am I right
- L’ plates, slogan t-shirts, white veils, sashes, willy straws, willy deely boppers, and inflatable willies are compulsory
Basically anything with a penis on it/ in the shape of a penis will do.
If you don’t have a combination of at least one or more of the above, then I’m sorry, your hen is null and void, no matter how classy you may be.
Like, surely even Kate Middleton must have walked around Chelsea with her gal dems,wearing a white veil from Claire’s Accessories on her head, a shot glass around her neck, drinking champers from the bottle with an inflatable naked man strapped to her and a ‘Keep Calm I’m Marrying the Duke of Cambridge’ t-shirt on?
And if it’s good enough for our Kate hon, it’s good enough for you.*
*I don’t know that this actually happened. But I really really hope that it did.
2. Everyone gets a *little bit* over excited early doors
You get on your mode of transport and like literally as soon as it pulls off there is gin in a tin flying around, prosecco exploding everywhere and the poor driver is being harassed to put the mix tape you have made on full blast and on repeat (or if you’re my friends, the cabin crew are being harassed for a drink BEFORE the plane has even taken off the tar mac).
If you’re on a bus, you’ll have to stop 70 times to use the ladies room, at intervals of approximately every 2 minutes meaning a 45 minute trip takes up to 2 days and 5 hours.
Basically, everyone is wrecked before you get there.
By the time you reach your destination, you have all peaked way too soon, and have to have a cheeky nap in the hotel room /on the floor of Spoons before trying to desperately shift the mid day hangover and psyche yourself up for the Organised Fun Activity of the day (please see number 8).
3. You learn facts about your family that you never, ever wanted to know. Ever.
Why oh why does every Hen Party spiral in to a game of ‘ I have never’?
Because lets face it, at some point, somebody is playing I have never with their mother/aunty/sister/sister in law. And we all know the nature of the standard ‘I have nevers’ which usually come up.
And if that isn’t bad enough, you will probably end up drinking at the same time as a family member……..CRINGE.
Avoid eye contact at all costs.
4. There will always be 3-4 bridesmaids looking extremely stressed at all times
Brides be like:
“Gurrrrrl, you my best friend.
You now have the honour of arranging my Hen party.
Please don’t tell me where it is going to be though because I want it to be a surprise.
But I want it to be THE BEST most Instagram worthy hen doo to ever go down in Instagram history #HenGoals.
Like…. I want to go somewhere AMAZING but not at all cliche.
And I want THE BEST fancy dress idea, but like, nothing that anyone has ever done before ever.
And I really want every single one of my friends to be able to come, so I can you try and balance up THE BEST PLACE EVER with affordability?
Like, preferably keep it under £12.50 per head.
And don’t forget the home hen for my friends that can’t come.
And if you mess this up, essentially, by proxy , you have ruined my wedding day. The day that is meant to be the most perfect day of my life.
You’ve ruined my life. MY ACTUAL LIFE. Don’t you know me AT ALL?!
But don’t worry, I trust you, I’m sure whatever you arrange will be great. No pressure”
5. Someone will always slip up to the hen regarding the surprise location
And we were all doing so well.
6. The single girls in the party will always maximise on the fancy dress opportunity
For example, at one Hen Doo, I managed to incorporate the shorts I’d always wanted to wear but didn’t have a legitimate reason to wear, in to a robbers outfit.
Because robbers be all about the leather hot pants.
For another, I managed to use the opportunity to dress up as Katy Perry for a Miss Pageant theme. (Katy Perry= Miss California…DUH!!! #Tenuous)
Single ladies……use the opportunity to live your dreams, that’s all I am saying.
P.s. Yes I’m now using this blog as an opportunity to put up a picture of me dressed as Katy Perry…..it’s the gift that keeps on giving. What ya gonna do about it?!
Lads Lads Lads!
Our should I say Stagz. With a Z.
No Hen Party is complete without men coming over in dribs and drabs taking on various dares….
“Can you give me your bra? If I don’t go back in half an hour with 5 bras, I’m going to have to drink 70 shots of jaeger and do 2 naked laps of Mill Lane whilst singing Shania Twain That Don’t Impress Me Much whilst being snap chatted with the puppy filter on …on my story. My story!”
I mean, it’s best to double check said person has a printed slogan top on before you consider complying….there are some weirdos around.
Keep safe, it’s a jungle out there Hons. Or should I say …Hens?!
LOL….soz not soz.
8. Organised fun
Think Karaoke. Dance classes. Cocktail making. Strip shows. Dares. Mr and Mrs.
EEEK. I have to be honest, basically, organised fun normally gives me THE FEAR.
However, I did recently attend a cocktail making class at Missoula Cardiff. And I have to be honest it was the best cocktail making class I’ve been to.
Because there were some games but not too many which is just great for me when you’re almost 30…more drinking and grinding to old school Ja Rule…less relay races with a blind fold around my head please hon!
And there wasn’t any going up behind the bar alone (which gives me stage fright because I am so shy…LOL). There was food and lots of it, endless prosexy and you went up in groups to make cocktails together.
The manager who led our session was really laid back and friendly and let us pour as much of the spirits in to our cocktails as we liked (however with the warning that our drinks would actually taste minging if we didn’t follow the recipe and measurements….and he was right).
And ….it was super cheap….I’d really recommend it hons!
9.You practically kill off the bride to be…
…possibly with 30 shots of jaeger…possibly with a surprise foam party (HA!)
10. The Brides to Be are always absolute legends
Every Hen Party I’ve ever been to has seen the Hen let loose, get in the spirit, get involved with whatever is being thrown at them but still end up looking completely lush and sassy and glowing because they are having the best time like the little legends they are.
Who run the world?!